News
Dispatches from inside the RockStar Copyright Office. Tap a headline to read.
BREAKING NEWS: Neighbor Claims “Transformative Use” of Fred’s Marriage
The Copyright Assignments Department erupted into chaos Tuesday after local neighbor Carl Jenkins argued that sleeping with Fred’s wife while Fred was at work constituted “fair use.”
“It’s transformative,” Carl explained confidently while holding a highlighted copy of the Copyright Act. “Fred uses the marriage primarily for companionship and stability. I’m using it for cardio and emotional support. Entirely different purpose.”
Fred, who processes assignment filings on the third floor, disagreed.
“This is not parody,” Fred stated. “This is infringement.”
Carl insists the second factor favors him because “Fred’s marriage is mostly factual at this point, not creative.”
On the third factor, Carl admitted he was “using a substantial portion of the wife,” but argued he was “not taking the entire marriage.”
Legal scholars became especially alarmed when Carl addressed market harm.
“There’s no economic impact,” Carl argued. “If anything, I’m preserving the asset while Fred works overtime.”
At press time, the Assignments Department clarified that fair use does not apply to neighbors, spouses, lawn equipment, or “transformative cuddling,” regardless of how many statutory factors someone misreads.
WILLIAM’S SCREAMS IN PAIN AS NEWLYWED WIFE SHARES HER “CHAIN OF TITLE” OVER 200 BODIES LONG
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Witnesses inside the Copyright Office cafeteria described “animal-level screaming” Tuesday afternoon after newlywed Copyright Assignments examiner William P. accidentally asked his wife Ashley about her “prior rights holders.”
According to horrified coworkers, William — a 19-year veteran of federal chain-of-title review — made the mistake during lunch after hearing Ashley casually mention “a few exes.”
“He thought maybe two or three,” said coworker Denise from Recordation. “You know… a manageable little cloud on title.”
What followed has since been described internally as “The Schedule A Incident.”
Ashley reportedly produced a handwritten legal pad listing over 200 former “licensees,” “temporary assignees,” “nonexclusive users,” and one individual identified only as “Spring Break Trevor.”
William immediately became pale and whispered:
“Dear God… the encumbrances…”
Coworkers say he attempted to continue eating yogurt while Ashley calmly explained that several prior interests may still retain “surviving access rights.”
“At one point she said, ‘Some of the transfers may not have been properly terminated,’” said a witness. “William made a sound I’ve never heard a human make.”
The situation escalated after Ashley revealed there may be foreign rights issues in Ibiza.
William reportedly began rocking back and forth muttering:
“There’s no clean chain… THERE’S NO CLEAN CHAIN…”
Emergency personnel were called after he attempted to file a corrective assignment against the marriage certificate.
At press time, the Copyright Office issued a statement reminding employees that:
“Not every emotional catastrophe constitutes a registrable document.”
COPYRIGHT OFFICE ISSUES APOLOGY OVER USE OF LAST WEEK’S PAPER SUBMISSIONS AS TOILET TISSUE
WASHINGTON, D.C.— The United States Copyright Office issued a formal apology Friday after a catastrophic gastrointestinal event forced employees to use hundreds of paper copyright applications as emergency toilet tissue following what witnesses described as “The Burrito Truck Incident.”
According to internal reports, a food truck named Señor Yesterday’sarrived outside the Madison Building offering “Day-Old Beef Volcano Burritos” at half price.
“Honestly, we should’ve known,” said Deputy Examiner Carl Hastings from Recordation. “The cheese had copyright notice dates older than some renewal registrations.”
Within forty minutes, entire departments reportedly collapsed.
Witnesses described terrified employees sprinting through hallways clutching stomachs while screaming:
“WHERE ARE THE DEPOSIT COPIES?!”
With bathroom supplies depleted by 2:15 p.m., emergency protocol allegedly authorized the destruction of thousands of paper submissions.
“The electronic filing system was down,” explained one exhausted clerk. “It became a work-for-hire situation.”
Employees reportedly prioritized:
- unpublished manuscripts,
- low-value supplementary registrations,
- and “that weird guy’s 900-page screenplay about psychic dolphins.”
One examiner allegedly rejected a bathroom request for failing to include the proper filing fee.
Another reportedly screamed:
“THIS IS NOT FAIR USE! THIS IS NECESSITY!”
The crisis deepened after multiple authors called asking about application delays and were informed their submissions had been “materially transformed.”
At press time, officials confirmed several chain-of-title records may now contain:
“light taco residue.”
BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY ENDS IN TRAUMA AFTER CHILD CREATES “SUPERHERO IDEA”
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Federal authorities confirmed Tuesday that Bring Your Daughter to Work Day at the United States Copyright Office ended in complete psychological collapse after nine-year-old Emily Harper proudly unveiled a crayon drawing of a superhero named “Laser Beaver.”
Witnesses say the child smiled innocently and announced:
“He fights crime with friendship and laser eyes!”
The room reportedly went silent.
Then, in what experts are calling a “fully involuntary doctrinal episode,” four senior copyright examiners simultaneously leapt from their chairs and screamed:
“IDEAS ARE NOT PROTECTED!”
Employees described absolute chaos.
One examiner overturned a pudding cup while shouting:
“ONLY THE FIXED EXPRESSION! THE FIXED EXPRESSION!”
Another reportedly grabbed the drawing and began circling portions with a red pen while muttering:
“Scènes à faire… generic powers… merger doctrine…”
The child immediately burst into tears.
Sources say a nearby Trademark Office employee attempted to comfort Emily by offering her a branding deal, a logo package, and three potential licensing opportunities.
This only worsened the situation.
A Copyright examiner allegedly collapsed against a filing cabinet whispering:
“They always take the good ones…”
Meanwhile, Emily’s father — a 27-year veteran of the Office — stared blankly into space before quietly telling reporters:
“She was happy this morning.”
At press time, Laser Beaver had already received:
- two toy offers,
- a streaming pitch,
- and a cease-and-desist from Marvel.
Story #5 — Coming soon
Headline and article body pending from John.
Story #6 — Coming soon
Headline and article body pending from John.