Leadership

Copyright Office Leadership Announces New “Exclusive Rights” Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Senior leadership at the United States Copyright Office unveiled a sweeping new internal policy Tuesday attempting to “fully embrace and personally experience the exclusive rights granted under federal copyright law.”

The initiative immediately collapsed into madness.

According to internal memoranda, management announced that, effective immediately, employees would possess:

• the exclusive right to reproduce office gossip,
• the exclusive right to distribute donuts,
• the exclusive right to prepare derivative break-room chili,
• and the exclusive right to publicly perform complaints about parking.

Sources say the crisis began when Deputy Director Harold Finch refused to allow coworkers to retell a joke he made during a budget meeting.

“Unauthorized repetition constitutes infringement,”

Finch allegedly stated before demanding statutory damages and a licensing fee payable in Chili’s gift cards.

Things worsened after the Office attempted to enforce the “exclusive right of public performance” over humming in the elevator. One terrified intern was issued a cease-and-desist after quietly singing Fleetwood Mac near the copier.

The Office then descended into open warfare after Management Counsel Denise Parker claimed exclusive ownership over:

“all derivative works based upon my tuna casserole.”

Employees were reportedly prohibited from:

• modifying the recipe,
• discussing the recipe,
• smelling the recipe,
• or creating substantially similar casseroles.

Meanwhile, morale completely evaporated after leadership asserted that lunch itself constituted a limited-time statutory license.

One employee summarized the situation:

“Trademark Office people get rooftop cocktail mixers. We’re litigating potato salad rights.”

The final collapse reportedly occurred when a senior examiner attempted to terminate the transfer of his office chair rights after thirty-five years.

At press time, the Copyright Office had issued 417 takedown notices, three injunction requests, and one subpoena involving unauthorized photocopying of a crossword puzzle.