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Contact the Copyright Office

Thank you for your interest in contacting the United States Copyright Office. Unfortunately, due to ongoing budgetary difficulties, catastrophic morale collapse, and what management has described as “a regrettable misunderstanding involving a day-old burrito truck,” this is not exactly an ideal time to reach us.

At present:

our Wi-Fi has been disconnected,
most office phones have been shut off,
and several employees now communicate exclusively through exhausted sighing and passive-aggressive sticky notes.

If you absolutely must contact us, you may temporarily reach the Office at Fred’s mother’s house.

Several displaced Copyright Office employees crammed into Fred's mother's living room, sitting on a floral couch, a recliner, and a folding card-table chair, surrounded by porcelain figurines, doilies, and a thirty-year-old box-television. — Public Information Office, current operational footprint.

Following his divorce and three denied promotions, Fred was forced to move back home. Since then, several displaced Copyright Office employees have also taken up residence there. The Public Information Office is currently operating out of Fred’s brother’s former top bunk bed, directly across from a malfunctioning lava lamp and beneath a poster of The Crow from 1994.

Please understand:

calls may be answered by Fred’s mother,
hold music is just someone crying softly,
and all intake forms are currently stored in a plastic bin labeled “XMAS LIGHTS.”

For general copyright questions, simply yell them down the hallway unless it’s after 6:00 p.m. (Fred’s Mom’s Bedtime)… unless the dishwasher is running. Then she can’t hear a thing.

Three glum Copyright Office employees in business attire eating cereal out of mismatched bowls at Fred's mother's kitchen table, with a box of generic cereal between them, fluorescent overhead lighting, and a wall clock reading 5:58 p.m. — Office dinner, 5:58 p.m. — two minutes before lights-out.

For faster service, consider contacting the Trademark Office instead. They apparently have:

money,
windows,
functioning adults,
and “ergonomic chairs.”

We do not discuss the Trademark Office anymore. That was the last time. From now on we’re only going to worry about ourselves and learn to work with the tools that we have…

…THOSE BASTARDS!

Please note that any emotional breakdowns shared with Office staff may become part of the public record.